A Steamy Affair...

Little did I know when I wrote my blog yesterday how my life was about to change thanks to my new steam cleaner. What a little gem it is! Whilst the rest of the country had to endure a day of freezing fog stuck in an endless traffic jam, I was in steam heaven. With the touch of a button I removed dried frog goo, coagulated mouse parts, and clods of ingrained mud. And that was just from the dining room table...No seriously. The thing really works. I don't want to boast but when I looked at my kitchen floor this morning all I could think of was... King's College Chapel! And I received a full facial into the bargain...If any of you are thinking of turning your back garden into a wildlife haven, I'd say get one of these for the house before you start. Today I'm going to concentrate on upgrading my bird feeding/bathing facilities, as I've noticed that the people across the way, who used to provide a haven for all our feathered friends have apparently left. As I look across at their magnificent but now empty bird table I can see the puzzled birds coming and going. Bloody hell it's freezing out there! I'll make them a little jacuzzi I think and try the peanut feeder again. Perhaps now they're desperate they'll try them.

Computer Says No...

There is one thing that no-one tells you about starting a wildlife garden---that it will bring out inner resources that you never knew you had. I would never previously have believed that I could get up, calmly clean a mountain of cat sick from my quilt cover, remove a frog suspended from the cat flap (how? you ask yourself), and return to bed with a large cup of coffee all before 7.00 a.m. How was this possible? Well, I received a consignment of seeds yesterday, and I'm still dribbling copiously over their contents (not literally, of course, it is necessary to keep seeds DRY). Next year is going to be wonderful! Actually the week has been irritating in its own way. I've been trying to change the address on my drivers' license. This used to be a simple affair---one simply filled in the new address on the back of the old license and sent the whole thing to the license agency in Wales. Now you have to supply a photo and a whole mass of paperwork. But wait, I hear you say, you can do it all online! That's what I discovered too, so I spent nearly an hour putting my information, including all my passport details, onto their website. Page after page after page...then right after I pressed the final button, it told me that it could not process the photo from my passport and I was going to have to fill in the forms and send them in with a fresh photo anyway. The other thing that got on my wick was the health page. You had to check categories of 'serious health problem' that you had suffered from since being given your license. Well, two years ago, I was diagnosed with bipolar 2, for which I take medication, but which I myself do not consider serious. So, the first time round, I didn't check anything. Then I received a warning that if I didn't declare any problems I could face two years in jail! I quickly went back to the original page and checked the 'serious mental illness' category, feeling like the mad woman in the attic. I went back and forth several times, actually, wondering if I should check anything else. For instance, I once got highly queasy in Boots---a reaction, I thought, to the garish Christmas decorations. Perhaps I had undiagnosed epilepsy? At one point I'd checked four categories (one of the symptoms of bipolar 2, incidently, is hypochondria, but this wasn't on the form...). Anyway, in the end I came clean---only to find that this will slow my application for the license even further as it has to be processed through the medical department and my doctor contacted for further information. This doesn't look good, as I've teased this man mercilessly about his inability to prescribe the right HRT treatment for me and the silliness of his own computer...So we'll have to wait, as they say. Does anyone else out there have any information on this? Do they take your driving license away if you are only slightly crazy (and only during the winter months!) as I am? If so, I'll fight to the last....

A Cheery Cherry Planting Day

Well, I'm sure you're all wondering by now how the allotment opening day went. Fine, thank you. Actually the whole day has been somewhat stressful. First I went downstairs to find a frog on the draining board. I let it swim around in the sink while I got my coffee, and then we had to go through the whole charade of the nude trip to the pond again. Afterwards I trod on my glasses, my 'second' pair, though the ones I usually take to the allotment with me (as my first ones are "Miu mius"---huh, eat your heart out NHS subscribers!). On arriving at the allotment I found that the leader had bought two enormous flowering cherry trees which he was planning to have the visiting dignitaries plant in an area which a couple of clients and myself had spent two months clearing for a soft fruit patch. A rather heated discussion followed---the result of which was that I had to dig two large holes for the trees at the far side of the allotment. The weather wasn't pleasant, but the really hard rain only really set in as the dignitaries arrived. I don't quite know how I got mud up my nose but several people alluded to it. We all had our pictures taken pretending to plant one of the trees. And pretending to be VERY HAPPY INDEED about the whole thing, even though by this time we were all soaking wet. The usual pr job. Then tea and biscuits were passed round and polite conversation was made. It was great fun watching the dignitaries trying to figure out which of us could be considered 'mentally ill'----I was talked to very, very, slowly on at least two occasions, and almost felt I should let slip about the petrol poisoning episode last week. But I kept a dignified silence. Oh, by the way, it's now official. I have TWO friends!

Some Women Can't Multi-Task

There seems to be some confusion about flower size now. When I said 'small' yesterday, I in fact meant 'dwarf'. But in these politically correct times I don't know if one can say 'dwarf', so I thought 'small' would be OK. Obviously it wasn't. So, you need to plant 'height restricted' or 'vertically challenged' daffs. OK now? Can you manage that? The other thing is to plant multicoloured crocuses, otherwise you'll end up with the well known gardeners' yellow jaundice ailment around April. You know, that feeling that if you see another yellow flower you'll throw up. The other big finding I have to report this morning (besides the usual frog in the living room) has been disproving the theory that women can multi-task. I did this by gargling with my new disclosing mouthwash whilst trying to sort the laundry. It was a messy business, I can tell you. But isn't this new mouthwash fascinating---the way you can see all your germs coagulating in garish hues in the sink? Or all over the walls, if you've just disproved a famous psychological theory....

Virginia Creeper Crashes in Heavy Winds!

Wouldn't you know it? It all happened again last night. Frogs in the living room. I'm learning about frogs, I can tell you. And the first thing I've learnt is that they don't learn. Not one whit. You would think by now they would have some association in their tiny brains between being put in the plastic bucket and returning to the pond. But no, they leap out of the bucket to behind the bookshelves where it is almost impossible to dislodge them. And the squeaking! You would think I was hurting them instead of just gently nudging them from behind with a rolling pin (hot tip that). Anyway, reading through yesterday's gardening tip, I think I may have confused you by mentioning big bulbs. Yes, you do want big bulbs, but if you have a small garden you definitely want small daffodils, otherwise they will look silly. Also, try to find daffs that have a scent. Again Spalding bulbs are great for this. My priority for the garden, after the wildlife features is scent, as this is what I enjoy most about flowers. (I decided long ago that all flowers look nice, but only a few smell nice). So all around the fences I've planted heavily scented climbers and bushes. Except of course where I've gone for autumn colour! I piled in two prize winning Virginia Creepers too---one of which I planted (rather cleverly, I thought) in the grass collector of an old lawn mower I found in the shed. Very much 'in the vernacular' as Gertrude Jekyll would say (yes, honest!). But I'm afraid Mr 'In The Vernacular' keeps falling over as lawn mower collectors are not very stable. He's gone over again this morning after heavy winds in the night and does NOT look happy. So much for being clever...

Frogs Ruin Elvis Lookalike Competition

Well, what I was going to write this morning has been almost totally obscured by the events of last night! I was just get comfortable, ready to watch the Elvis lookalike competition on BBC1, when a frog appeared in the living room (closely followed by a cat). A short interlude followed whilst a very fat lady was seen sprawled out on the floor trying to get the aforementioned frog in a plastic bucket so it could be returned to the pond. I'd only just sat down when the same thing happened...and it kept happening. To the extent that this morning I'm exhausted and I'VE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHO WON THE ELVIS COMP. I tell you this wildlife thing is no picnic. Anyway my main horticultural tip for today is to remind you all to buy your bulbs from a reputable dealer! As Alan Titchmarsh himself demonstrated only a few weeks ago on the Beeb, small daffodil bulbs produce only one flower (at best) per bulb, whereas large ones can produce three...I get most of my bulbs from Spalding, which is the centre of bulb growing in the UK. You probably don't know that Spalding holds the most fantastic bulb festival every spring which is as good as anything you'll see in Holland, but we Brits are not good at advertising such things. I've already planted by snake-headed fritillaries and am waiting for some rain to get my crocuses and daffs in. The fritillaries are good because you can plant them in partial shade and boggy bits and they still come up good.

Stark Naked!

Well, another exciting start to the day. I woke up to hear plaintive mewing coming from downstairs. Oh no, not another cat! I flew downstairs to find my two cats cornering something in the living room. A creature that looked like no other. I switched on the light to find it was a frog spewed out on the carpet. I got a plastic container and shunted it in, to find to my delight it was still alive. (It hadn't croaked! Get it?). So, even though I was stark naked, I hurried out to the pond and put it back in. It swam away in no apparent difficulty, so I think it will be all right. (I'll post a picture of me today, so you don't get too excited about the thought of me stark naked). Anyway, all this excitement has quite put me off my stride, as I was going to tell you about how exciting my visit to church was yesterday, on account of the pastor talking about life changes, which is something I wrote a book about two years ago. I really want to get this book published, but don't know where to start. It contains a new theory of human development which combines current psychological research with Biblical teaching. Yeah, really! It's not that bad, honest. Anyway, I've given the pastor a copy of the manuscript. (Poor man, I hear you say).