Bin Laden Caught

I really am all of a quiver this morning after yesterday's top story in the lunchtime news. And although I wouldn't normally write to you twice in a week, I felt I just had to make an exception this time. Did you hear that a man has been convicted of having a bin lid open in public? You think all my wittering about the bin mafia has been a delusion, don't you? But it's all true, I tell you. Other countries have gone about this recycling lark for years, calmly, and with no undue fuss. Here in the UK we are turning energy saving into energy slaving, living every moment in fear that we will be found out for some dire mistake. But why are we allowing ourselves to be sold into this slavery? I blame it on the war, myself. Not the second world war (which we blame for most things), but the war in Iraq. We all know we shouldn't be there and we feel a massive collective guilt in our completely unwarranted decimation of another country. We are full of unbearable guilt, This guilt must be dumped somewhere. Projection. Freud called it. Anyway, what better place to dump than in a bin. Let's suddenly get all hoity toity about saving the world, so we can blinker ourselves to the political devastation we are really causing. I have mixed feelings. On the one hand I'm glad that so many people seem to be thinking the same way that I have thought (and acted) for the last 30 years, and, on the other, well aware, that, as soon as the war ends, this country will happily return burying itself in its own landfill...to put it politely. Yes, I am perfectly OK, thanks, and I'm taking my tablets. Yesterday was a glorious day, and I spent most of it planting parsnips again. But, honestly, do you realise that the poor man mentioned about now has a criminal record which will last for the rest of his life? For leaving a lid open? And was this really an appropriate way for the BBC to celebrate 'Earth Day' on its major news broadcast? Come on all you Wheelie Peelers, give us a break!

Bin Laden

I don't believe it. 8.00 am and I'm up! Of course, it's because it's a Tuesday, so I'm under a GREAT DEAL OF PRESSURE. Those of you who are old hands at this blog will realise this is because it is bin day. For all you newcomers I'll now try to give some kind of impression of what green living is really like at the coalface, as we say. Round these parts we have large black and green wheelie bins plus two open plastic containers. Collections take part every other week. The Council tells us we must put one bin and one container out each week and have them ready on the pavement directly in front of our houses by 7.00 am. (This despite the fact that no-one usually arrives until at least 9.00). OK, you think, put them out the night before. Well, this is FROWNED UPON ( in case blind people are walking up the street, I kid you not...), plus if it is windy it causes the contents of the containers to be strewn across the street the next day. Consequently each Monday evening you can hear the residents manfully wheeling their bins into a position just behind the collection point ready for the full assault at dawn. Experience has taught me that leaving a bin a foot out of place causes it to rest unemptied....(See previous entrees for dire results of this). When we all arrive home after a hard day's work, the first thing we need to do is search for our bins and containers, which can be anywhere and in any position in the surrounding neighbourhood. And for this I pay full Council Tax, even though my husband is only here at weekends! Yes, I'm bitter....and growly this morning because, once again the chemist got my HRT prescription wrong. Blimey, if I took the pills they gave me I'd grow breasts the size of the biomes at the Eden Project (http://www.edenproject.com/ :a jolly good GREEN place to visit, incidently). Anyway, what is so incredible, is that round here we are all playing this bin game with 100% obiedience to the crazy rules. If we're prepared to go this far, I think it shows we ordinary folk really do care...

True Grit

Lordy! Just got a phone call from H thinking I'd given up the ghost because I hadn't blogged for a week...I obviously need to assure you all I haven't expired, but have simply been suffering from virtual constipation. Valentine's Day on Facebook turned out to be rather hard going (choosing the most suitable icon to send to each of my 57 friends was somewhat time consuming), plus I was devastated on Friday evening when Stacey and Bradley didn't get back together. All this on top of nearly missing the bin men on Tuesday forcing me to appear on my own doorstep dressed only in a flannelette nightie! Anyway, the allotment group went well. A large team turned up, we made good headway on all fronts, and I managed not to pour milk into my hat. I've spent the rest of the week making a small mineral and gemstone garden (Wow!) in the patch behind the pond made uninhabitable by the builders (they left a great lump of concrete in it for no apparent reason). To do this I'm using all the 'free gifts' offered by the Treasures of the Earth magazine I've been collecting over the last few months, plus some left over grit, and some rather pretty mosaic making items I picked up in France. I must say it all looks rather pretty. My big night out next week is going to see a man who rose from the dead after he was stung by a jelly fish. Don't tell me I don't have an exciting life! Sorry I forgot to mention, we managed to put up a nesting box on the allotment to commemorate NATIONAL NESTING BOX WEEK. I may suffer from virtual constipation, but my devotion to duty never fails.

Arctic Monkeys

I'm sure you're all wondering what an earth has happened to me, as there was no allotment posting last week. Well, you'll just have to excuse me, but things have been quite frantic here as I now have over 50 Facebook friends to deal with plus my usual bin responsibilities, clearing up after the cats, etc etc etc. Anyway last week we went to the allotment and got on with our hotbeds. The only happening of note was that milk had leaked into my woolly hat during the journey, so that when I put the hat on the entire contents of a cow's udder dripped down over my face. This week I planted some Alstroemeria 'Planet Mixed' (free from Thompson and Morgan!) whilst my friend shovelled more shit and our revered leader found that we had a large buried tree under the section where nothing had grown last year. Unfortunately, I was also suffering from a major wardrobe malfunction which meant a large gap kept appearing between my trousers and my jacket, the consequence being I not only nearly froze to death during my planting procedures but now I need to go to the loo about every ten minutes. Let this be a warning to you: when out in Arctic Conditions always wear a full length coat. Other exciting news this week: I have been invited to join a sort of neighbourhood watch group which evidently exists to ensure that our local streets remain pristine. Their main activity seems to be taking away people's bins when they've been left out on the street too long and then making them pay to get them back. What larks!

Resolutions!

Well, Happy New Year to you all! I hope some of you will be making resolutions that go beyond the 'lose weight and get fit' variety. I thought I'd share with you the resolutions I made last year, as at that time this mighty blog did not exist. They were:
1. To turn my backgarden into a wildlife refuge, the central feature of which to be a pond.
2. To join a local charity which was involved in some environmental initiatve.
3. To insulate my loft, doubleglaze my windows and fit energy saving light bulbs.
4. To follow the Council's bin instructions to the letter.
5. To join a church that actually offered practical help to the most vulnerable instead of one that just harped on about being 'saved'.
I hope these might inspire you. As for myself, as I put on two stone last year and now waddle like a duck, I'm rejoining the gym and going on a diet...

Shakin' Stevens

I wasn't going to write to you today, but it's been such a RED LETTER DAY, as we say, that I thought I must. As you know we had no allotment group scheduled so I agreed to collect money for our mental health charity outside Tescos. Of course, I dressed for the occasion with my new bright red furry jacket, large Russian hat (well it was freezing cold), and natty little mouse pin whose eyes light up and play Jingle Bells when its nose is pressed. I was soon into the swing of things calling out, 'Save the Mad. We can't help it!' and gathering in pots of money, when our leader informed me I mustn't use the word mad as it would upset the others. But, I said, I'm mad myself. Really, he said, I would never have guessed. But, I said, I thought we were all mad in this charity. Surely you're not telling me you're sane? He took my point. Suddenly he did something quite amazing and totally illegal: he shook his tin! Despite my protests he continued. Won't it be fun when we get arrested? he kept saying. Eventually the store manager came out and told him to stop. Anyway, it was great fun for an hour, but I have to say two and a half hours (which I later found out I'd been scheduled to do) was a bit much. I was amazed at how generous the citizens of Cambridge were, especially as this week we've had a real shock. We've been told we must put out next week's bins a day early and the week after next's a day later. It's all so complex! I came home to find the street deserted. Perhaps everyone has cracked under the strain? How relieved I was to enter my front door and find the beautiful pot pourri I'd made still in place and covering the rampant smell of cat's (or cats') pee magnificently. If you want to know how it's done: you open a few packets of spices from the local Indian (or Pakistani) shop into a large tray; over the top of this you place bay leaves, rosemary and sprigs of anything with red berries; then you nestle in amongst this four oranges which have been generously spiked with whole cloves. So simple, so cheap, and quite, quite wonderful!

Almost down in the dumps

Wednesdays are always an anticlimax here, but it's worse today because I've caught a cold. This is what happens when you mix with the hoi-palloi! So why are Wednesdays such a let-down? Because the highlight of the week, bin-emptying, happens on a Tuesday in these parts. I've been surprised to hear that in other part of the country this has not developed into the passion shown it in Cambridge. The activities begin the night before when you can hear every resident carefully aligning a large bin and the correctly coloured associated plastic container on the pavement. (Failure to do this can result in non-emptying!). We used to do this on Tuesday morning, but now we've been told we must have both bins ready for inspection at 7.00 am....even if they are not emptied until three in the afternoon. At around 5.30 pm on Tuesday you can hear everyone in the street, having returned from a hard day's work, collecting their bins, rolling them back to wherever they belong, and blessing the day when all these new regulations came into place. These collection activities can be most exciting if it has been a windy day. I once found my plastic container two streets away, and most of its contents (very light, empty plastic bottles), scattered haphazardly in neighbours' front gardens. This week's bin activities were more exciting than ever, as I noticed last week that my green bin was smelling something awful. I went out to clean it, and was just about to do so, when my neighbour warned me off. Several short people like myself, she said, had tried to clean their own bins, fallen in head first, being rescued only on their way to the dump! As luck would have it, I found an ad for a bin-cleaning service attached to the bin yesterday, so now I have signed up for a monthly, professional clean. I must say the errr...newcomers to the area round here are really finding those niche markets...