St Patrick's Day

Relax everyone. Despite all appearances to the contrary this blog has not been abandoned! My long silence has been due to a strange, almost otherwordly, happenings at the allotment. We have been blessed with an Angel! This Angel, called Patrick, arrived two weeks ago, and He has transformed my humble life completely. Patrick not only has penetrating blue eyes and muscular tanned legs, but also KNOWS HOW TO GARDEN. Actually not only this, he also gardens with a speed and enthusiasm that would put even a pre-stroke Monty Don to shame. For the first time in months, things are starting to happen. This week, in two hours, he pruned our apples trees, finished planting up a new plot, and found time to provide each of us with a running commentary on all we were doing. When he said I'd done a good job of digging a ditch (lined with cardboard and well-rotted manure to aid water retention) for our borloti beans I wanted to fall at his feet and kiss the earth...This is how it is with Angels. Our leader was away. It was BLISS. Of course H is none to happy about all these goings on. Things between us are tense at present as he has put a total trade embargo on my dealings with QVC. I can only resume when my trade deficit is zero...This shouldn't affect you too much as I'd already bought all the plants for the year, and I doubt that you want to know about all my fabulous wardrobe and lifestyle purchases from that delightful emporium. Suffice to say, I'm now living in somewhat straitened circumstances (I've no idea how to spell 'straitened' because I've never had need of the word before...), with a large hole in my life where my credit card used to be. And this just before the start of Royal Ascot too...What's a gal supposed to do?

Skating on Thin Ice

It's been a heartbreaking week. First I went up to the allotment on Wednesday and discovered all my courgettes, half my corn, and two of my tomato plants had been killed off by an overnight frost. Then, on Friday, came the news that Monty Don had suffered a mild stroke and will no longer present Gardeners' World. I really didn't want to face my friend to tell her what had happened to her plants. Luckily, she was so sedated she examined the grizzly evidence of the brown muck that was all that was left of her squash plants with admirable aplomb. It was our leader who almost collapsed over the stricken hotbed, mumbling, 'I had no idea, there was no sign of frost in my village.' He reacted like a kind old grandpa, offering to buy me some more courgettes...not even arguing when I insisted these should be not just any old courgettes but the yellow and Italian ones I really like. Finally, of course, there's been the fiasco of the Eurovision Song Contest. Last again! I have to admit here I actually voted for the Russian entry as soon as I realised the iceskater was none other than Evgeny Plushenko who I absolutely adore beyond all measure. Bloody Terry Wogan...yes, he of the Testicular Wardrobe Malfunction... didn't even know who he was! (H and I also liked the Spanish entry as we were following all the dance moves by the end. We both thought it was the best representation of European Culture since the Chicken Song). Anyway, I think the right entry won, so there.
Oh, and another thing before I go. I had an e-mail from James suggesting I grow some carrots between the rows of onions as then they would be protected from carrot fly. James, for heaven's sake, don't you understand anything? I am not allowed to grow ANYTHING between the onions as these are the sole property of our revered leader, who is not at all possessive (unlike me).

The Pace Quickens

Hardly know where to start this week, so much has happened. This being the Easter hols, I went up to the allotment on my own last week as well as on Friday and planted out an entire salad section, and, dare I say it, peas. You'll remember we've been banned by our leader from growing these, as he things they harbour all manner of dangerous diseases. But I couldn't held myself, especially as I'd found some T&M RHS winners which are supposed to be highly disease resistant. Well, I have to be honest, what really got me going in this direction was seeing Monty Don doing it on Gardeners' World (Doing what? Planting peas, of course. Oh but that man...what I wouldn't do with him behind the potting shed...). I got so carried away, I even went back this week and planted some more, using some discarded metal edging stuff I'd found to make some lovely meandering shapes. Should look very pretty as I can plant the marigolds in the 'loops' of the turns. I had to play it very nicey nicey with our leader on Friday, and even planted out some potatoes for him, as well as politely offering him his coffee instead of half throwing it at him as I usually do (Problem with Authority Figures? What me?). Meanwhile at home I'm busily deadheading all my daffs as well as watching the wealth of plants coming up on my window sill. I now have an abundance of courgettes and some squashes which should be ready to put out in the hot beds in May. I've also started on a sweetcorn variety that promises to perform even in the wettest summers (which is more than I can promise, even with the HRT). In the midst of all this, H and I went collecting again for our charity, this time outside a rather nice upmarket garden centre instead of Tescos, and next day managed to celebrate our wedding anniversary by having a scrummy fish lunch at the Loch Fyne restaurant, after which we went to see a Swedish film called 'You, the Living'. The latter was absolutely hilarious, thought completely incomprehensible. A bit like life really. I wonder how long I can keep up this hectic pace...For those of you wishing to learn about the history of the potato, there is a new website to help you. It's http://www.growfruitandveg.co.uk/. What a read... And you can enter a competition to win an eglu too!

Record Breakers?

Phew!! What a day yesterday was. For the first time, I was in charge of the allotment group. What an honour! We had a ceremonial planting of three blackcurrant bushes (RHS Gold Medal Winners no less) in the new, untampered, SOFT FRUIT PLOT. I don't know if everyone really appreciated all my instructions on how to plant a bush, but we were all quite tired at the end of if all and spent most of the rest of the time setting up the tea and biscuit table. The arrival of my new pink car onto the allotment caused quite a stir---I seemed to attract every other allotment owner in the vicinity. Great Jollity and Happimosity was had by all. None of my admirers was quite Monty Don, but there's hope yet. When I got home, and after my usual viewing of Bargain Hunt, I went out and planted ALL the remaining crocuses in my garden. I don't know if so many bulbs have ever been planted in such a small patch. Perhaps I should contact the Guinness Book of Records? I went to sleep as usual dreaming of fame and instant glory. Reading my newspaper this morning (husband is here so he kindly dealt with the frogs in the living room), I noticed an article on http://www.freecycle.org/ which struck me as a very good thing to join if you want to swap leftover bulbs or any other item that you might need or have over from your gardening escapades. I joined this morning. I suggest you do too.

Don't Leave Me In The Slow Lane!

Oh dear, I see from the last posting that Google seems to have selected a colonic irrigation advertisement for its commercial spot...Well, they said they would chose appropriate sponsors! Not much news on the gardening front, as it's pouring with rain. But I did have a very exciting and eventful trip to the post office this morning---to post my application for a new drivers' license if you recall. Well, it transpires that I would have been better going to the post office in the first place and not bothered with the on-line facility at all. The counter lady explained that she could have done the whole thing for me in two minutes for £4, AND she would have happily overlooked the fact that I'd gone a bit mad since having my last licence. As it was I had to pay £9.10 to send everything off in a special envelope (guaranteed next day delivery, except under the present strike conditions when there are no guarantees at all, evidently, but the fee is the same). A friend has e-mailed me to say that Monty Don suffers severe depressions but still drives. This news comforted me until I realised that I personally have never witnessed Monty Don driving anything more powerful than a lawnmower on his shows...What if I'm limited to this for the rest of my life? Then I switched on my computer to discover I was advertising colonic irrigation to the world...

A Lurid Fantasy of Monty Don's Bottom...

I just got an e-mail from a friend informing me that mirrors were once used near ponds to keep herons away. Well, that's certainly not the reason I got mine. I got them...er....because, well all the gardening mags said it was the trendy thing to do. They are supposed to give my garden endless pleasurable vistas. But what they can give you, as I've just discovered, is a very nasty shock when you're planting your bulbs, as you see your endless rear end reflected to infinity. This never happened to Monty Don! (Actually, I wouldn't mind if it did). Anyway if anyone knows of any herons visiting the Cambridge area, tell them they are most welcome to pop in. Another thing they could do, and you can do, too, is to join up with Facebook and become my friend. I've been on for two weeks and I'm absolutely fed up with being told that I have no friends in the entire Universe! Has anyone else suffered from this, I wonder?