Cleanliness is next to Godliness

Another horrendous day weather-wise, too wet and windy to attempt anything at the allotment. So, I thought I review this week's gardening ventures instead. Not only did I manage to plant 8 more Crocosmia and my three inch high Japanese maple (not all free gifts are that wonderful...), I also cleaned out the pond. I know you'll be aching for the fascinating details, so here goes. I cleared the blanket weed using an old broom handle and the Canadian pond weed with a seive, and then removed all floating debris with a gloved hand. Then I sat back in my little wooden seat drinking my morning coffee. As luck would have it the sun came out, so I was left gazing at the glistening reflections of my daffs and my little statue as the birds twittered merrily overhead. Oh how lovely it is to have a pond, even in the depths of winter it's so much more interesting than a mass of shingle. William Blake may have been able to see the universe in a grain of sand, but I sure can't. Give me instead some Pre-Raphaelite watery depths! Suddenly Ophelia was floating amongst my dead reeds (my pond is a little on the small side to fit a copiously dressed adult woman in, but you have to remember they were smaller in those days...) Feeling soothed and strengthened, I at last ventured indoors to find I had received a Newletter from Spalding Bulbs (you'll remember that I am a Most Valued Customer). This was also offering advice about spring cleaning ponds. It said that if you had allowed any soil to enter your pond over winter, you must take up the entire pond and start again! Knowing full well that at least a ton of God's earth had slid that way only last month, I felt doomed. Surely I wasn't going to have to put up with the builders and their awful jokes all over again? Then I realised they were concerned because soil in the pond turns the water green, but I know I already have the antidote to that: it's Nishikoi Goodbye Green Water and it comes in delightful green buckets, which, if you recall, are so useful for removing frogs from the living room. Well, they used to be. I'm afraid I have now to admit to a sad fact. I found one of the frogs last week, its back legs poking out from under the washing machine, dead. And no, it hadn't been harmed by the cats. I think it was just unable to reverse (an awful evolutionary lack, like the intelligence thing). I've been very sad about this, especially since this week I found eggs laid by Mrs Frog in the water. Even though sex isn't up to much in frogs (just a quick grope under the armpits with the swollen finger pads, if I remember correctly from O-level biology), she must have missed at least the ceremony of the yearly mate. Unless God intervenes with an Immaculate Conception, I guess this means I won't be having tadpoles this year. Life in the Wild is so tough! Oh by the way, there's a new RHS website that offers a lot of advice on building a pond (I wish I'd known about it before I turned my back garden into a mud bath...), as well as being a wealth of information on wildlife gardening---it's http://www.wildaboutgardens.org/

Cleanliness is next to Godliness...

Please forgive me, reader chickens, but in the excitement to tell you about the allotment this week, I completely forgot my most important news. That is, I have discovered a new way of washing the dishes! To be more exact, I have started to use a washing up pad produced by E-cloth, and it's wonderful! No more nasty little spongy things clogging up endless acres of landfill sites, for me. You can actually wash this little pad in the machine and it comes out just like new...To make matters even better, today I've found their website: http://www.e-cloth.com/ and a whole new world of ecological washing products...I've ordered a whole bundle, so I'll be letting you know how I get on with them. What delightful gifts they will make! Talking of which, I have seen a very nice pair of silk pajamas in the Lewis's catalogue WHICH I WOULD VERY MUCH LIKE FOR CHRISTMAS. Just imagine how delightful I would look putting out the frogs in the middle of the night with these on....And oh, my goodness, I nearly forgot to tell you the latest about the POND. On cleaning it out (with a net, not with my e-cloth, I hasten to add) I found several delightful new specimens of Aponogeton distachysos, a delightful little plant with white flowers which, up to now hadn't done very much. Now, not only has it spread, it's spread to the most shady parts of the pond where nothing else wants to grow. This is the wonder of tackling a new ecosystem---you learn new things all the time. Before this year I'd never heard of this plant, let alone seen it grow. Go on, get out there, start planning your wildlife pond!

Wogan's Willy and Other Delusions

Sorry not to have communicated for a few days, but I've been in quite a delicate state. Over Terry Wogan's wardrobe malfunction, of course. I didn't see it myself, but a large photo of the event was splashed all over the Daily Mail website (which, I must hastily add, I only visit in order to download the daily Sudoku). Anyway, there it was---too tight corderoy trousers clearly revealing a large, inter-leg dong. It reminded me too much of France, I'm afraid, where I couldn't even drive to the local market without seeing men's penises all over the place. Those Gallic frogs pee anywhere I can tell you, and it doesn't matter who's around. It was enough to drive a menopausal woman mad....And, as we know, I did go mad! Trying to get off this subject I had another frog in the living room today, it didn't pee but it pooped. How interesting this foray into the wildlife world has become! I've never seen frog poop before, let alone scooped it off the carpet. Just think what joys await you if you become an eco-warrior like myself. Oh, by the way, I've just got a new friend on Facebook who thinks he's a website. I'll have to tread carefully there....I'll tell you about my delusions another day, I think. I need a coffee.